Whod you bang
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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