Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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