Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Pants are for mortals
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
