I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
