o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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