If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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