she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
