I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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