I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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