she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
