The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
