WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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