she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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