I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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