Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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