You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
