listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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