He is such a slut. More and more my type.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
