dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize