you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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