hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
