so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
