Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
