please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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