I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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