did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
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