dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
