If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
