I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
