I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
