I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
