Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
