Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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