in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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