Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
