I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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