oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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