I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
