just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
