mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
