Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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