my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
