True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
