I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
