Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Randomize