This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
