i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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