my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Randomize
