Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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