Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
