I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
