there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
