Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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