ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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