Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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